I never got to Tell you, Light
by The Anonymite
Summary: Have you ever died? Well, L has, and trust him it sucks. Well... unless you enjoy moments of painful reminiscence and nostalgia as your last breath leaves your body...


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Death Note.

* * *

" Everyone, the Shinig –"

_Lurching. Uncomfortable. Something is lurching and uncomfortable about this. Something like… like my heart. My heart feels uncomfortable. Maybe I'm having a heart attack? Maybe…_

_Maybe…_

A moment of stillness crashed upon L Lawliet as he felt his heart stop. Yes, he felt his heard stop, and with it his entire world stopped. Well… not really.

He tumbled. Tumbled that short distance to the floor. But, oh, that distance felt like a yard, like a mile of empty space between that place of comfort, that place of infuriating comfort that was the Kira case and the cold hard reality of the floor.

_But it isn't comfortable. It isn't, because something has happened to Watari. Watari._

_Watari…_

_

* * *

_

He hit the floor. He hit hard, and suddenly everything was clear as it rarely was for L. Everything was clear, and he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, felt a body fall with him, a body fall beside him, on top of him, _with_ him.

_The body that killed me._

_You killed me._

Wide, onyx eyes met warmly toned brown ones that somehow managed to be cold, managed to be analytical and intelligent in ways that almost scared him. Almost.

_You heard me, Light. You killed me._

_You are Kira._

_How much I envy you._

_

* * *

_

flashback

How can it do this? This person, how can it do this?

Kill without being present. Kill without any previous knowledge. Kill so… so…. easily. How?

_L was in his room, in front of the monitor, watching as Lind L. Taylor was dragged from the desk in the news station. He was floored, completely gobsmacked. And…_

Envious?

I feel… envious?

Yes… yes, I suppose I do. That power… that ability… it's almost… god-like. It would be difficult to defeat that kind of power. Difficult to overthrow someone who could do… _that_. That.

Kill without touching. Kill without speaking or touching or coming in contact with the victim at all.

Yes, I am envious. Incredibly, incredibly envious. As well as disgusted, confused, astounded, and awed. I am envious.

kcabhsalf

* * *

_I loved you, you know?_

_For all that it was stupid, I loved you._

_And it was stupid. It was the stupidest thing I ever did, really. Loving a mass murderer… But you have such a beautiful mind_

_Such a beautiful, beautiful mind. How else could you be Kira?_

_Yes, Kira has a beautiful mind, too. The original one, anyway. You, Kira. Not Misa, not Higuchi, _you_._

_So analytical. So precise. So like me._

_You don't like people. You are a misanthrope, you are a total hypocrite, and you are an arrogant bastard. And so am I._

_I am a misanthrope, I am a total hypocrite, and I am an arrogant bastard._

_And I always thought that… maybe, maybe if I stayed alive long enough, maybe you would see the same in me. Maybe you would see that I had a beautiful mind, too. And then you wouldn't kill me, and you would tell me how you did it. All of it._

_I want to know. I want to know how you found the Death Note, and I want to know how you tested it. How you convinced yourself that it was real, how you handled first seeing a Shinigami. I want to know all of it, every little thing that you did as Kira. Every death, every move._

_Everything._

_I'm a sentimental idiot, aren't I?_

_But how else am I supposed to be right now, right now while I die. While I die with you holding me, holding me in those arms… those arms that have committed one of the most outrageous atrocities, and yet most beautiful of atrocities single-handedly. Those arms that I wanted to touch, that I have wanted to touch since that first tennis match._

_Yes, that tennis match started so much._

_Every move was perfect, every move was calculated, and I just knew, I just _knew _that you were someone I wanted to know. I didn't want to know you, though, at the same time. Maybe my subconscious self was trying to protect me from involuntary reactions like attraction. It's an enigma that I wish I had more time to contemplate._

_But I don't have more time to contemplate. I don't, because you have robbed me of however many minutes of life that I had left. I won't ever know if you would have had the same epiphany I did, won't ever know if you really appreciated me, even once. Won't ever know if you're capable of feeling human emotion._

_There are so many things, Light. So many things._

_You have power. Immense, unimaginable power. I still can't grasp it entirely, still find myself wondering if I'm completely sane. But, then again, who in the world isn't a little bit insane?_

_That power, though. That power is what I envy. That control, and that power, and that… that status. The ability to label yourself "Justice" and stand up for your cause and actually do something that you believe in._

_Then again, if I wasn't fighting for my cause, then what have I been doing since Kira first showed up?_

_I would tell you, but I can't… I'll never get to tell you._

_I'll tell you anyway: I was watching you. Yes, I thought you were Kira, yes, I was suspicious. But you are a fascinating person, Light Yagami. Fascinating, because of that beautiful mind._

_There are so many things… So many things that I'll never get to tell you._

_I never got to tell you, Light. I never got to tell you…_

_That… I wanted to be you. I wanted to be you, Light._

_

* * *

_

Those eyes. Those long abhorred eyes closed after so long. After what felt like an eternity to Light.

He was prepared for feeling happiness at the motion, at the conclusion of the long struggle.

He was prepared for feeling triumph.

He was prepared for feeling a lot of things.

What he was not prepared for was the sense of loss, of pure, unadulterated anguish that filled his guts as that last breath left those lungs, as those long, raven eyelashes settled and the dark, sleep-deprivation-blackened eyelids met, finally. As that heart remained silent.

* * *

Light felt something in him snap, and it was unanimous that he was never the same after L died.


End file.
